lisas_cupcake

I am always walking on egg shells around my mother. I can't cry in front of her without her saying, "Lisa, stop being a titty baby." Now that she lost her second job, I will not be receiving that check. The check I was depending my future plans on. But you know what? I am the one who is always putting forth effort. It's now their turn. Besides that, everything is flawless. My classes are just right. Teachers are adorable. People are still mediocre. And there are so many beautiful people at the campus I travel to for my French 2 class. That is all.

Post Script- I need to find a job. Quick.

I want ____________ to surprise me from behind. To stab his soft finger tips into my tough skin and say ever so sweetly,"Hey Beautiful." As if it were my name. Me being the outgoing gal I am would squeal. Somewhat like a pig. A very lovestruck pig. Grab his occupied hands, and pull him over like a bag of Idaho potatoes. Become siamese at the lips. Life would pause approxiamtely thousands of years. Once departed, we would have only consumed a minute and a half. Now, as two, we stared. Our glass eyes about to explode. Love screeching so loud it cracked the crystal. Passion rivers streaming heavily down the breaks of our corneas. We speak of our past occurences. Catching up. The hour hand is making 360 turns. Coffee cooking our clammy, cold hands. Oh my, how I have missed you.

I think I may just rant about how much I love life. You know the kind of talk where you want to purge over that person's face. Because you know life could never be that sweet. Well, take another lick, and taste it for yourself, bitch. I have recently went through a scare. No details. Because of that I have awaken every morning begging to breathe. I have been given opportunity to look. Not just look but see. The chance to talk but not just talk, speak. The chance to walk, but not just walk, go. The world is itching my skin and hoping for me to scratch, scratch, and scratch. Let me tell you, I am on it, baby. I can not wait for life to begin. HAHA. Now is just good. Later will be unexplainable. I will be spending my life with Jade Danielle Butts. No doubt. My other half. My words are true when I say I love her. I devour every minute I have on this beautiful earth with her. I have character defects, but that's why my Jadey-Poo is here with the manual to help instruct me. Dena Broussard has been there for me when my own mother has killed me with her slur and fatal eye attractions. Dena loves me. For the ones who are unfamiliar with Dena, she is Jade's gorgeous mother. I have made mistakes. Oh, how I have made mistakes. At least I am sweeping up while you are still pointing at the dirt. I am smarter now. Everything does happen for a reason. I honestly believe mishaps are placed for realizations checks. I have retrieved mine. Though by an unforuntae experience. Shit happens. I do await another part of my life to be complete. Love. If it is not in the cards for me, tis fine. I have my caffiene and nicotine to make love with. MY age is young and pure. It must grow as time gets older. I can not wait to tell stories to young people of my wonder years. They will be anticipating till they get their chance. Just as I am doing now. Waiting, waiting, oh how I am waiting.

I love the way the ink colors the paper.
Starving for my ideas to be revealed onto its territory.
Beggin me to not stop.
Keep going.
A few more.
I love it.
You love it.
Want more?
Ofcourse you do.
Can't get enough of it.
Never will.
Endless supplement.
I can go on forever and not get the least bit weary.
Try me.
I will show you.
You will see.
You will be hooked.
You will be addicted.
The best part of it is that it's all a game.
There will be a loss.
I vow to never lose to thou.
You will never hurt me.
I have armor to shield myself from your hazardous attractions.
You think you got me tip-toe dancing with your words but I am only pretending.
Or am I?
Who knows?
You don't.
Do I?
Ofcourse I do.
I will never tell though.
Who will be victorious?
I will be.
I get to watch you lose life helplessly.
As you did to me.

I have finally realized that I am a walking/talking contradiction. I state my beliefs yet I turn around and oppose to them. Why? Why do I even bother to deal with asking myself questions? Stop it. I don't know the answers. That is the thing, I can't stop myself from anything. I have no will. It's non-existent. Well, maybe not completely. There I go again. With those damn opposites. Suppose I do have will...Perhaps it is veiled and it is waiting for me to pull over the covers. And reveal it to its morning shine on a Saturday morning. I say I have a low tolernace for people who know the difference between good and bad and choose bad. I feel like being bad though. Are you supposed to have limits and tolerance towards yourself? I do know this question and it is yes. On the contrary I am a hypocrite and still go against what I say. Why? Once more time I know this answer. I want to set an example and be idolized but it's only a shield. A shield to get away and do what I really want. Why do desires have to feel so immoral? Do I have morals? Do I need them? The successful beings, did they have morals before they metamophasized to their current transformation? Who knows? They could be fucking coke heads in business suits and shiny loafers with their own name plate for all I know. I am young. Very. My whole life is ahead. I can't see what I will be. Who I will be. Or who I will be with. All I can see is now. And can I even see that anyway? Yes, a bit blurry but nothing too tiring. Do I want to ruin my life with temporary substances that can make sure I never see my future? Maybe. Do I want to just completely neglect that and just be a sober optimist? Possibly. I do not have a direct point. It is more vague than specific. I will continue this journey of seeking and seizing. What is my next clue?

OH MAN, AM I ALL SHOOKEN UP OR WHAT?!?! Jade and I have a lot of the same beliefs. One of them being your own person. Ofcourse, I know life is a cycle and we steal from each other but there is a difference than following the crowd and just sticking to what you want to do. We do what we do. So everyday at lunch Jade and I sit on the floor, next to the beverage machines. Our school has a lot of conflict with social status. And if you dare to sit at a certain table you are automatically morphed into that "group". Cliques are worthless. So we do not even bother. People are always giving us dirty/strange looks. I lay in her lap after we finish eating and we chit chat. Obviously people have taken notice for the affection we share to each other. And that's a problem? I guess it is. Today Mrs. Wilder sat next to me and basically told Jade and me that we should go sit at a table. Bitch. Seriously, we are doing no harm. We are staying out of the ways of others. Why in the hell do you have to try to ruin shit? I politely responded," Actually we prefer the ground. Thanks anyway."

Burn.

She didn't give up without a fight.

To add more fuel to the fire, "Well, just go sit over there after lunch."

? I hate legal office teachers. I informed Jade on what had happened in the matter of time it took her to retrieve some beef stew and cornbread. She was infuriated as well.

Then Mr. Erwin told us that people are uncomfortable with Jade and me....I love her. We hold hands, link arms, and I kiss her cheek. If that is too much for you then go out more. There is homosexuality everywhere. It's beautiful I may be 100% heterosexual but I still support pansexuality/homosexuality whatever you are. It's your decision. Fuck them and what they say.

Love yourself no matter what.
Don't let anyone change you.

She had lain on a metal rectangle called her bed for the past hours now. The theory was that if eyes are shut so is the mind. This was the therapy to recovery. She was her own doctor.


The frequent flashbacks drowning her delicate body. She never learned to swim. These thoughts were killing her and all she could do was wave her arms fiercly.


The memory of his lacky figure atop hers. Panting hard with his hands on her milky skin. Layering her pores with his charismatic residue. His abdomen separating her thin thighs. Entering and becomnig as one. The pain that she was encountering was horribly traumatizing. Tears tumbling down her already dank cheeks like gold medal gymnasts.


"Want me to stop?", he muffled. She could see in his eyes he wanted to still continue.


"I don't know," she returned while sweeping the sweat drops flooding her eye lashes. At this point she was being controlled by a remote that had no stop nor pause button. You either kept going or lost. She never lost. But what would winning get her in this time?


Being very reassuring, he whispered in her tender ear," It's okay."


"Are you sure?"


"Yes, ofcourse. We are friends. We'll go slow. Don't worry."


Vulnerability has now resided amongst this young girl. No time to escape now. This is not a nightmare where you can wake up. This nightmare is immortal. This is what she never wished for.


In. Out. In. Out.


Unpracticed friction.


She had different voices speaking non-stop in her head.


Ouch, please no more. You are stealing me. The thievery. Come back, I don't want to lose you yet.


The alcohol was now making cataracts on her two eyes which was making quadruple visions. All she could see was his eyes and his slightly opened mouth. Which she took advantage of with her soft, petal pink lips.Best kisser ever.


But this was all going to be a surreal event where you never mention of it at all. He was cheating. And she was letting him. But it finally felt good to be wanted. Even in an immoral way.

Lust was bittersweet.

She blinked at least a thousand times and exhaled. She was now going back to sleep.